To change is to stay the same

“By what right do I say the things I say? Who taught me? Why do I do it? For all these questions the answer is you and me. I took the liberty to say the things I say and you allowed it to reach you. You taught me everything and you have no idea about it. I do it because this is the only way I can freely tell you that I have learned from you. But if you ask me am I right? My answer will be I have no idea.”

To start over from the beginning, wake up from a slumber and find that we have no idea of the people around us was the thought which made me write this. I have seen too many movies with this idea; still this thought intrigues me a lot. If I happen to lose my memory till date wonder how my friends will react. Will I make the same friends again? What will my parents think? Will I make the same mistakes? Would I choose engineering? What kind person will I be? Will I change?? 

I think I will change. If I look back in my life certain moments that happened in it makes me what I am today. That maths teacher I had in my first standard who taught me the ‘borrowing system’ and told my class that she is not afraid even if your father is a policeman. That fourth class teacher who gave a funny look at me when I put my name for the dance competition and the same teacher who gave ‘I knew you don’t have it in you’ look when I chickened out of the competition without even putting an effort. The friend who told ‘come let’s eat together’ for the first time even when he knew I spent my lunch break with my sister. When the result was late to deliver the dream I had that I had been detained. The teacher who showed me that I was good in maths. The numerous radios I broke, the small adapters I opened, the screw driver cuts I had when opening something tight. The friend who was with me through everything. The friend I never had. The enemies I never made. The friend I lost for no reason at all. These people small or very large make me what I am today. If I had to start over, I won’t have them to teach me those small things which make me the person I show off today. It is a bitter place we’re living today. I won’t get the same people under the same circumstances again; I will hate the people I love now if I get a bad experience with them. I am sure I am not going to wake up one day and have no memory of the people around me. To start over with no memory of anything maybe a good idea for fiction but in reality to be a different person with different experiences will have no difference in you. You will want to start over again. Every moment in our life that happened to date has left an impact in the person you are. You can’t change what you have become though there may be a chance to change in future. Do something good in your change. But I do not want any change in the life I am having now. Change is happening every day I don’t want a sudden one. Yesterday is not like today. Today is a whole lot different from tomorrow.

Live Life!

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“To find oneself within the cold, darkness of a confused mind, and come to the light without cringing from the brightness of an enlightened mind and stay true to yourself and make a life you really want is a way to find true happiness.”

When I was little people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my usual reply was I want to become a computer engineer. It was a standard reply, my parents will puff up with pride to see their son tell something which ends with engineer, I used to say that even when I had no idea about what they will do. Never did I understand what I wanted to be when I grow up. What is the point in asking a kid what he wants to be when he grows, are you trying to assess the child? Whatever maybe the reason you ask such a question, please stop that. And start asking something useful like did he learn something new today? How was his school? Which subject does he like the most? Who is his best friend? These might be useless to you but these are the things that are important for the kid now.

Now all grown up and spoilt of choice I chose to do production engineering, not a computer engineer. I am lost. What did I dream of and what am I living? I was taught never to give up. If you suck at something if you try a bit harder you will be get better. I was taught every such thing. Seriously I am becoming what I feared what I should not become. A guy lost in the choice of life. I know I am regretting whatever I missed doing in my school days. College is just becoming a shadow of my school life. Never have I felt so lost, so worried that it hurts to wake up every morning. To feel all alone with a room full of people is what I am becoming, I have shut out everyone from getting near me I understand I doing everything wrong pursuing something above my limit, working hard for something which I have no interest in. I am not sure of what I dreamed of, but now my dream is a blur. I doubt everything I do and I am at loss. I know plastic deformation is not going to help me in any way in my life. In a life filled with so much I chose something which I thought I will make mine. Everything around me points that I have chosen something totally wrong. I am sorry I cannot cope with something I chose. I chose it I am the one to blame. So lost.. So lost.. I am trying my best I am sorry that my best is not up to the mark I am sorry to have failed in every way.

These were my thoughts some days back. In so much of life I have more, feeling bad over a choice is stupidity. Of course I am going to stand up, find my way through this maze holding a torch with so much light that my well wishers will have warmth for eternity (I am not going to talk about my not so well wishers here). Life will find a way always. People are ready to see me fall than to rise. Just living my life is going to kill them and I am going to have fun in doing it.

What have I done to make life better for anyone till now??? That is a million dollar question which my life will answer in the years to come.

At a point of time in life when we were small, ignorance was our companion. Every day was same but very different. We learnt to have fun even after a bleeding knee. Fought with each other about who our bestest friend is. We were ignorant of the world’s system, ignorant of how everything affects us. We hated the night news time at 8, come to think of it we never knew we had a channel for news. Now everything has changed, we have a clear idea about everything happening around us and we have become ignorant of our childhood. Ignorance is bliss, be ignorant of your sorrows there is more to life. There are a lot of things we’ve been ignorant about that brings happiness. Now we have learnt only the things that remind us our sorrow. Let us better start to learn to be ignorant of the things we hate. 

Live Life!