Unspoken Words

I don’t think it is the right time to post this or the right way to do it. I am doing it for my own peace of mind. It is one those parts of my head or heart, whatever you want to call it, you call it that wants to be shouted out.

Memories and pain

We had fun, we made memories, we lived our lives happily, we shared silly things that happened to us, we made fun of each other, we recalled old memories when we met each other, and we were happy. Now, you all left me without a good bye, people who made happy memories are making those memories painful, friends who taught me to have fun are no more, where do I now go to share a memory, to remember and laugh at an old memory when I can feel only pain in remembering them?!

I wanted to pay them the last rights. I was at Chennai asking my parents to allow me. My parents were asking me what you can do when you go there. You are right my dear amma and appa what can I do now? What can I do?? I can’t save them now, can I?  Dear mom and dad these people, these friends of mine who died were the same age as your son, they were his class mates, we made memories which we can proudly look back now with a smile in our faces. We had fun along the way we grew. They are no more. I have got only their memories left with me. I have lost 4 of my friends, 2 of my best ones, they could have changed the world ma, and they really can. I am crying here all alone, you know ma they were there when I went to first movie with friends. Ma there won’t be any visits from Nishanth when I come for holidays. We have no one to call kosu now. Who is there to call ‘mama’ now? We have lost four people ma four living, loving people. I am bleeding inside out. If I had been in Nagercoil I too might have gone with them to that wretched place ma. If I had been there I could have called for help or died trying to help ma. Yeah I was safe in Chennai. What was the use? I couldn’t even pay last respect to my friends. I should have gone against your decision and went to Nagercoil. But I was afraid to see their faces ma. My dear friends’ faces. Those smiling faces which I had know very well. I am so sorry da. I should have come, I should have spent the whole pooja holidays in Nagercoil, and I should have been with you and helped you out when you all drowned.

I may not be the best person to write about my friends but I want to. In the whole 12th batch of our year in Nagercoil if you ask any one person they will know Lerroy for sure. They would have at least heard of him. Lerroy, the jack of all trades.  Just a look at him you want to be friends with him. A word with him you want him to be your best friend. Lerroy is no more. The person we called ‘kosu’ is no more. No one will say “yei yei” or “he he he” any more to mock him.  We ate our lunches together at school. He is a slow eater when we ask him why such a long time to eat. He would say that is secret that makes him so lean.  The brilliant Lerroy is no more. Nishanth, a friend that everyone needs. He was the lighter side of life, bringing laughter at all times. When he and I were in hometown he made it a point to come to my home. Now I have lost someone who thought I was worth enough in this world. He always took a calculated step, cautious always, my dear friend why were you not cautious on that fateful day?? Was it that seeing you friends in trouble you did not bear to bring your cautious thoughts? We lost you all. Why didn’t you brilliant people use your wits and called for help. Ponga da dai.. yenda ippadi panniteenga?? 

When I look back on my school days I can only remember French classes, during those classes we had more free hours than classroom lecture, during those times it was always fun to be with you guys. Computer sciences classes, exams, how many countless memories with you when I look back at school?? I don’t think I would have got this much marks in maths without you Nishanth. When I look back at school, I only remember you people. You made me the person I am today.

These people who died were a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, and more such relations... But they were our friends. We mourn their death now. We will try and build their unfinished legacy. We will paint them bright and show to God that it was wrong of him to take our friends so early. We are going to make their memory proud...

Miss you all da..:(

கீழே விழும் போதெல்லாம் எனக்கு பயம் வந்ததில்லை ..

பயம் என்ற ஒன்றை மறக்க வைத்தாய் ..

உன் தோளை எனக்கு ஏணியாக கொடுத்தாய் ..

நண்பன் என்ற வார்த்தைக்கு 'என் உயிரை விட மேல்' என அர்த்தம் சொன்னாய்..

நீ கீழே விழுந்த போது என்னால் கை கொடுக்க முடியவில்லை ..

உன் உயிரை காப்பாற்ற என்னால் இயலவில்லை ...

உயிர் கொடுப்பான் தோழன் என்று சொன்னார்கள் ...

வாழ்ந்தால்  ஒன்றாக வாழ்வோம் இல்லை சேர்ந்தே மடிவோம் என்று கேலிக்கு நாம் பேசியதை நிருபித்து காட்டுகிறாயா நண்பா ??

 உன்னிடம் கோபம் எனக்கு ...

என்னை அழைக்காமல் சென்று விட்டாயே ..

என்னை தனியே விட்டு சென்று விட்டாய் ...

உன்னிடம் கதைகள் கதைத்து மகிழ்ந்த நினைவுகள் எனக்குச் சாவின் வலியை காட்டுகிறது...

நண்பனே, சொல்லாமல்  பிரிந்து சென்று விட்டாய் ..

அப்படியே விட்டுவிடுவோமா உன்னை..??

உனது பெயரை உலகறிய செய்வோம்..

இது உன் முடிவல்ல உனது தொடக்கம்...

P.S. When I die I want my dead body taken surrounded by friends, of course relatives will come, they’ll come because they think it is their duty but if you are a friend you have to go, it is more than your duty. I am more than sorry that I couldn’t be a good friend.